Every year my best girls and i have a disney night. the tradition started about 4 years ago, just after completing high school. My parents are usually gone so we take over the lounge room, consume a lot of junk food and discuss feelings and men. We eat better food now, and the level of smut in our conversation has definatley increased, but it is still a tradition i embrace with relish. We were all raised on the sickly sweet and moralistic ideals of Disney. So much so I think it may have destroyed the possibility of real functional relationship…(if he is not french, has a castle, sings to you and gifts you a library every so often he is not worth your time)
I hosted our disney night on saturday. They rocked up in pyjamas and tiaras. We ate corriander pesto with slow roasted tomatoes, drank logan brae apple juice and devoured little marshmellow cuppy cakes of goodness ( i didn’t sleep well the night before so i had a bit of a cook up)
A table set for 4 beautiful princesses.
We talked about which prince is the most attractive. General consensus is that prince Aladdin (from Aladdin) and Pince Eric (from The little mermaid) are the most “doable”, although my personal favourite is the beast after his transformation in Beauty & the beast, French, bulky and has a castle. Hello!. We talked about the levels of smut & eroticism in Aladdin, Jafar was pretty kinky and which bad guy we would do. (my vote is for shan yu is Mulan, all muscles and totally badass)
Lip gloss rings & tiaras. Are we lame? HEll NO
My dad has always been a big believer in alternative remedies. He recently contracted a strange condition called Bells Palsy in his face. This effectivley mean’t that the muscles in the left side of his face collapsed. The doctors told him it would take about 6 months to a year to clear up. Dad more or less gave that idea the finger and went to see a local acupunctuist. Within a month he has managed to regain almost full control over his facial muscles. He booked me in to have a few appointments to, mostly to deal with my ammenorrea (no cycle since january – a fact i have been stupidly & resolutley ignoring for the past 6 months), water retention and my sleeping problems.
Today was my first appointment. I have to be honest, I was very sceptical at first. It seemed appropriate that my dads idea of the perfect gift to me was sticking me with a bunch of needles. But I am willing to give most things a try and having never feared needles before it didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
I was led into a dimly lit room and after a brief discussion about my health and problems we got straight into it. It was rather strange being stuck with pins and not actually feeling them. The only sensation I felt was when they were stuck into my left side. It was a tweeky little pinch, but more than bearable. I lay there for a while, my muscles spasmed lightly occasonally but other than that I left feeling a little lighter than when i arrived. It shall be interesting to see if it makes any difference to my general well being.
This song blows my mind. Her voice, her love, her words. I cried. I felt better.
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“thanks be to the ocean who can drown me whenever it wants”
I am so tired of being on my own.
I am so tired of being no ones anything. I could be a wonderful something to someone.
I am so tired of crying on my own, eating on my own, laughng on my own.
I am so freaking sick of being on my own.
I am so tired of being nothing.
I am so tired of having to watch other people have someone.
I am so tired of being just Ruby.
I want someone to hold me, tell me i’m pretty. I want someone to laugh with me, tell me what they are thinking, care because i care, i want someone to fuck me violently and hard. I want someone to fight with and have drama with.
The ocean can take me. It can caress me and envelop me and control my fate. It can change my being. But I am so far from it. I am cold and alone and fucking distant. The future just holds more shit. Shit and loss. And nothing. There is no one for me. My heart will belong to no one. Because I can’t even possess it, even when it is in my own body.
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The one thing I have not looked forward to returning to the flat is S. She is so irritating. The thing that makes it so hard is that she is irritating and enraging without meaning to be.
Right now she is singing at the top of her voice a zumba song and her irrepressible cheeriness is making me want to smack her in the back of the head and scream at her to be quiet.
“Don’t you realise we are all sick of you? Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you bahve normally?”
She continues to suggest we all flat together next year, a suggestion that makes me want to run home to AUSTRALIA and never return.
The things she does do not endear anyone in the flat to her. Like eatng everyone’s leftovers they were saving for lunch. Or taking 3x as much baked goods and fruit as everyone else. Or talkking on the phone to her family members every night at the top of her voice. George and T can hear her even with their doors closed a flight of stairs up. She is such a ridiculous human being.
Of late I have been rather obsessed with food blogs and have even revived my dallying with devils food blog (it sort of fell to pieces following my recent emotional spiral into dark mental spaces).
I have also joined a semi secret bakers society online with monthly challenges. I can’t wait until I get my first recipe. Cooking has become such a part of my life recently. Rather than go out on a Friday night I have been at my stove baking up something new.
Tonight, due to the intense level of noise in my apartment complex, I doubt I shall be going to sleep any time soon and have resigned myself to cooking up a batch of ginger biscuits.
There are so many beautiful food blogs around but the best blogs have some artistic flair behind them. They don’t just give the recipes, they write beautifully, providing little anecdotes or histories to accompany the recipes. Many will also have photographs accompanying the recipes, or reviews of restaurants. The best food blogs are not just filled with delicious recipes but are fun and interesting to read. These are a few of my favourites;
I could spend hours just persuing these blogs.